Thursday, September 9, 2010

Goldfish are not self-aware.


Pet Store Sales Girl: Can I help you with anything?

Me: Yes, I would like to buy a goldfish please.

PSSG: Okay! I'll help you scoop one up.

M: Actually I haven't chosen one yet, I'll go get the bowl and everything first so that...

PSSG: Interrupts. Bowl?

M: Fishbowl.

PSSG: Fishbowl??

M: Tries to walk away, ending the conversation awkwardly because I didn't really know what else there was to say.

PSSG: You can't put a goldfish in a bowl, it'll die.

M: What? You are questioning centuries of goldfish ownership, sales girl. I don't work in a pet store or anything but I'm certain that I've never seen a goldfish in a cage or kennel or hutch or...

PSSG: Goldfish need to live in tanks with filtration systems, it's mean to keep them in bowls. Beta fish, on the other hand, live very well in bowls.

(The store keeps Beta Fish in tiny individual cups of water. They aren't doing anything, they're just floating there looking mostly dead. Fishbowls are mean?)

M: Beta fish are boring. I really just want a goldfish to keep in a bowl on my desk and...

PSSG: Did you know that the oldest living goldfish is 120 years old? It lives in a tank. Goldfish aren't meant to be kept in bowls, it's just a misconception that has lead to years of cruelty to the fish.

Me: Are you a vegan?

PSSG: Look, I can't stop you from buying a fish and putting in a bowl but I'm just warning you that it will probably die in like 3 years year.

Me: Sounds like a 12 cents well spent. 

PSSG: SO offended. Fine, which one do you want?

Me: That little black one.

PSSG: sulkily extracts the little black fish and hands him to me in a bag, looking as if I have chosen her favorite child to join my army in the monkey wars at the end of time.

Me: Does the 120 year old fish know that it's 120 years old? I mean, doesn't it think that it was born 13 seconds ago?

PSSG: The fish may or may not be self-aware...

Me:Goodbye.