Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I find people with feet annoying.

Not really. But I nearly maimed a two-footed person on my way home from campus (in a way that was two thirds unintentional and one third utterly malicious, but in my own defense they were three thirds asking for it). The experience was unsettling for me, and could have been relatively traumatic for the almost maim-ee because they might have a)been maimed b)died. Both of these choices end in trauma, for you and for your mom who also has feet.

Consequentially, I have invented the following guide for the purpose of enhancing the relationship between people on foot* and people on bicycle** everywhere (but more specifically on my campus which seems to be the world/universe epicenter of the problem). My hope is that adherence of walkers to the following simple rules will alleviate the oblique but growing tension between walkers and bicyclists and hopefully we will avoid a calamitous explosion of one party against the other, because there is only one outcome of that possibility, and it does not include the retention of your dignity or your Doc Martins. Nobody wears those anymore.

I will also no longer be compelled to insult you mom.

Rule #1: Always Pass Right
When walking in the head on-direction of a bicyclist, you have one of three options: 1). Pass them on the right 2). Pass them on the left 3). Walk flat into bicyclist and cause injury while streaming profanities offensively at once-bicyclist-now-pavement-ist while she picks gravel out of her palms and face.

Always pass right. Thus avoiding confusion and collision.
Rule #2: Walk in a straight line.
So that if a bicycle is approaching from behind, they can safely ride around you without hurting you/other people/unless they want to.

If you like to walk in zig zag or in circles or in inexplicable and random directions that ensure the quadruple-tion of your trip time from point A to point B, your chances of being bicycled from an unseen direction dramatically increase simultaneously with the chances that the bicycling of you was intentional.

Tip: The same rule exists for the alternation of speed when walking in or in out of a logical direction.

Here is a rule for bicyclers: Rule #3: Cultivate an intimidating glare and possibly snarl.
This is effective in warding off feet-people and boyfriend prospects.
Tip: This is bad advice, don't obey this rule.

To end this post on a less cynical note (as my mood has significantly improved since I began writing it, for the following reason), I have just finished eating a banana flavored popsicle (better mood) and there was a joke on the popsicle stick (best mood).

What did the bee name his kid?

(because bees can't say words).

** Me.